


A House Isn't Always A Home

by vernonsgf



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, M/M, joshua centric angst... again...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 15:22:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8019142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vernonsgf/pseuds/vernonsgf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He thinks that it’s funny that you don’t notice how often you’re exposed to something until you’ve become aware of it. But it isn’t until Jihoon becomes one of his better friends, is able to coax every secret out of him, that he realizes his heart beats a little bit faster at the mere mention of Jihoon’s name.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A House Isn't Always A Home

The bass is beating through subwoofers, completely drowning out the sound of his pulse beating in his ears. Joshua thinks that if it has been just a tad bit quieter, he wouldn't be panicking so much right now. He's stumbling his way through a giant horde of bodies, all sweaty and grinding up on each other, and he feels like he can't breathe.

"Hey," He hears, and he starts walking faster, pushing his way through moderately drunk people who shoot him dirty looks.

"Hey, buddy," He feels the hand on his shoulder before he hears the voice.

His heart pounds in his chest as he's turned around. He's faced with a very attractive man with blonde hair, and if he hadn't been so panicked he would probably be blushing.

"Are you okay?" The stranger says, and his eyes and tone are both filled to the brim with concern but Joshua can't help thinking that this is all a game.

He shakes his head. "I can't- I can't-" He stammers in between gasps.

"Okay, it's okay. Just breathe. I’m Jihoon, I’ll get you out of here, alright?" He says. Joshua nods, tears already beginning to well in his eyes.

He takes Joshua’s hand and starts to drag him back through the club. “I’m just going to tell my friends that I’m going. Are you alright with that?” He asks. Joshua nods again.

They walk at a hurried pace towards the bar. Jihoon stops at a group of rowdy men who look around the same age as Joshua. He taps one of them on the shoulder before leaning in.

Joshua can barely make out the “I’m leaving. You have keys to the apartment?” before the man nods and Jihoon is leading him away again.

As they get closer and closer to the exit, Joshua’s head starts to clear. It’s not until they’re completely out of the club that his gasping for air stops and he can finally speak.

“Thanks for getting me out of there.” Joshua says. He’s still standing on shaky legs and his voice is a bit croaky.

“No problem. I was getting a bit tired of being in there myself.” Jihoon says.

“I’m Joshua, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Joshua.”

Jihoon drops by Joshua’s apartment a week later with a casserole dish in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other.

“I know it’s probably a bit much, but I figured we could have dinner together.” He says. Joshua nods, the corners of his lips turning up in a smile as he lets Jihoon through the door.

“Nice place.” Jihoon says as he places the dish and the bottle on Joshua’s coffee table. “You don’t seem like a dining table kind of person. Are you?”

“No, but,” Joshua says. Jihoon shrugs his shoulders. “If you don’t mind me asking, why are you here?”

“Oh, right. You told me last week while I was walking you home in the middle of your panic attack that you usually spend Friday nights alone and that’s why you were hanging around some crappy club.” Jihoon says, seating himself down on Joshua’s couch. Joshua didn’t know that it was possible for anyone to be this bold.

He shrugs to himself before walking into his kitchen to grab plates and cutlery.

Soon enough, Jihoon is integrating himself into Joshua’s every day routine. Joshua finds out that they go to the same university, and that they’re in some of the same classes. He thinks that it’s funny that you don’t notice how often you’re exposed to something until you’ve become aware of it. But it isn’t until Jihoon becomes one of his better friends, is able to coax every secret out of him, that he realizes his heart beats a little bit faster at the mere mention of Jihoon’s name.

“Come on, Joshua. Hurry up. It’s going to be, like, next year before we even get to Seungcheol’s party.” Jihoon says.

“Funny.” Joshua deadpans. It’s December 31st, the day after Joshua’s birthday. They’re going over to Jihoon’s friend’s house for a pre-new year and post-Joshua’s birthday celebration. “Does this look okay?”

Jihoon gives him a once over before nodding his head and turning towards the door. “You look fine. No one at that party is going to care about how well-fit your shirt is, anyway.” Jihoon says. It may just be Joshua’s brain, but the way he says it has the slightest bit of _something else_ that Joshua can’t quite place a finger on.

“Okay,” Joshua says through clenched teeth. He shrugs on his coat and then Jihoon is tugging him out of his apartment by the elbow.

If anyone had asked the day after how the party went, Joshua would’ve said ‘fine.’ Because that’s all it was. Just fine. He had spent most of his time in the corner of Seungcheol’s living room with a cup of beer in his hand and Seokmin chatting his ear off. Jihoon had asked him to be his wingman, and Joshua had complied, mostly because Jihoon was his best friend and he couldn’t say no. Jihoon had his lips latched onto Seungcheol’s neck as they stumbled into Seungcheol’s bedroom and shut the door behind them. Joshua felt like his heart had been torn out of his chest, but it was fine.

He doesn’t see Jihoon again until semester break is over, and Jihoon is sitting in his regular spot beside Joshua’s in lecture hall B.

“How was your holiday?” Jihoon asks as soon as Joshua sits down.

“Fine,” _Lonely._ “How was yours?” Joshua says. He tugs the sleeves of his sweater down to cover his fingers.

Jihoon bites back a smile, but Joshua can tell that he’d be grinning like a fool right now if he could. “Fine.” He says. Joshua wants to puke.

“Spend a lot of time with Seungcheol?” Joshua asks. He gulps back the lump in his throat as Jihoon tugs his bottom lip into his mouth and nods. “Cool.”

They don’t talk for the rest of the lecture. No longer childishly passing notes like they had in the fall. Joshua feels like his rib cage is trying to suffocate him.

“Are you coming over?” Joshua asks as soon as the lecture is over.

“Of course I am. It’s Friday.” Jihoon says, looking at Joshua as if he’s grown another head.

“Oh. I thought you might be doing something else.” _Someone else._

Jihoon shakes his head. “Fridays are reserved for my best bro.”

“Please don’t say ‘bro’ ever again.”

Jihoon snorts.

Joshua doesn’t realize that they had fallen back into their old routine until Jihoon skips out on one of their weekly Friday nights to have dinner with Seungcheol and his parents.

“I’m sorry, Josh. This was the only day they could get free.” Jihoon says over the phone. Joshua holds his breath in an attempt to stop himself from crying.

“It’s fine, Jihoon. I never said you _had_ to be here every Friday. I have other friends to hang out with, you know?” Joshua lies. Sure, he has other friends, but they’re all busy on Fridays, and Jihoon is the only one he wants to spend time with anyways.

Joshua isn’t upset, he doesn’t think he could ever be upset with Jihoon even if he wanted to be, but he’s a little bit disappointed. He wants nothing more than to have dinner with Jihoon and sit around watching shitty movies with glasses of wine. He wants their lips to slot together with little effort, an endless feeling of warmth running through his body. But he can’t have any of that, and he knows.

Joshua has to admit that he’s a little surprised when he hears that Jihoon is moving in with Seungcheol on account of two things: One, that Jihoon spends the majority of his time at Seungcheol’s anyways so there’s no need to move in, and two, that Jihoon had promised to move in with Joshua once his lease was up.

“Sure, I’ll help you unpack. What good am I as a best friend if I don’t?” Joshua teases, although his throat is tightening and he doesn’t know how the words managed to be spoken.

He finds _Jihoon’s Box of Sentimentality_ , and decides to pretend that he doesn’t notice his own overwhelming absence there. He pushes it to the side and lets Jihoon deal with it.

They stop for lunch at around two in the afternoon. Seungcheol orders two boxes of pizza, hawaiian for himself and pepperoni for Joshua and Jihoon, and Joshua is reminded of how not like Seungcheol he is. They eat in silence and Joshua takes this chance to observe the two together. It’s obvious that Jihoon is in love with Seungcheol, he stares at Seungcheol as if his eyes weren’t made to see anything else. Even when they aren’t talking Joshua feels like he’s missing out on some big conversation with they way that they look and smile at each other.

“I just remembered,” Joshua says, wiping his hands on his jeans. “I have a big essay due in a week that I haven’t started yet.”

Jihoon pouts. “But, that’s a week away.”

“I want to get a head start. It was assigned a while ago and I feel bad for putting it off this long.” Joshua says, as if he can’t sense the tinge of disappointment in Jihoon’s voice.

“Jihoon, it’s fine. I’ll help you unpack.” Seungcheol says, resting a greasy hand on Jihoon’s thigh. Jihoon winces, Joshua knows how Jihoon feels about cleanliness, but Seungcheol doesn’t notice.

Jihoon smiles at Seungcheol, though, and leans forward to peck him on the lips. Joshua feels his heart sink in his chest.

He doesn’t see Jihoon again until a few weeks later. By then, they’re preparing to end the year with final exams and Joshua feels like his entire world has flipped. At the beginning, he planned to have an impressive GPA and maybe have someone to consider settling down with. Instead, he has average grades and he’s still hung up on a guy that will never like him back.

“What are you and Seungcheol doing for the summer?” Joshua asks. It’s become second nature to him now to assume that whatever Jihoon does, Seungcheol will also be doing, and vice versa.

“Seungcheol’s staying here,” Jihoon says. Joshua waits for him to say ‘me too,’ but he never does. “And I was hoping that if you were thinking of leaving the country, maybe I could come with you?”

Joshua’s heart leaps in his chest. “Trouble in paradise?” He teases. Jihoon shakes his head.

“I just want to get away for a bit, you know? So that when I come back to Seungcheol everything will feel new again. You get so used to seeing someone every day that suddenly doing things together isn’t special anymore.” Jihoon says. “That’s why I didn’t move in with you.”

“Oh.” Is all Joshua can say. He knows that Jihoon doesn’t mean it in the way that Joshua’s interpreting it, the promise ring that fits snugly around Jihoon’s ring finger is enough evidence, but his heart still pounds in his chest. He wants to say something, wants to stop biting back tears, but he decides to keep quiet.

“Sure, you can tag along.” Joshua says.

Jihoon smiles. “Thanks.”

**Author's Note:**

> what kind of bullshit ending


End file.
